Longest winter everrrr.

SIX months ago, my migraines(from the tumor) started and I was confined to my dark, bedroom. Who wants to go anyyywhere or do anyyything when you're brain is pounding!? Well, then the whole surgery, recovery, radiation situations have kept me locked up. Talk about a damper on my attitude! It's finally hit me, hard. I want what every other right-minded, Minnesotan wants...NO more snow, sun, warmth a.k.a. Spring. If I could see just the tiniest piece of green grass, it'd give me hope that the grass really is, greener on the other side. I really do hate complaining about the Winter, because I don't want to be one of those Minnesotans that act like they don't know what's comin' from Nov-April. I love to play outside in the snow! But, I haven't even been able to do that this winter and it would at least make time go a little faster. So, here I am, where I've been all blasted winter...Staring out the window, jealous of the birds.

If you've ever heard the song, "Lookin' For A Good Time" by Lady Antebellum...

...then you have a pretty good idea of what happened the night I met my best friend. It was at a college house party, as I walked down the stairs to find a guy leaning against the wall, like some type of cowboy Casanova. I watched him slowly look up at me, from underneath his white hat and smirk. My heart stopped. The next couple of months we grew into best friends, talking for hours on the phone and seeing each other whenever possible, because he was busy with classes. My most dreaded night came when it was time for him to go home for the summer. I didn't let myself get close and told myself I would not be crying in front of this dude, because who knows if he'd be even be coming back in the fall. He was standing there in his white hat and motorcycle jacket, looking once again, like some type of cowboy Casanova. We hugged goodbye and I went back to my friends, in tears. I kept that vision in my head of him for the next couple of weeks, until I was able to see him again. I met his family, the first time I went to his house, to spend the weekend. I got there on a Friday, by Sunday I was hustling to get my things in order to go to Mexico, but first we had to drive to Chicago to get my Passport! Oh wait, I had I had to ask my parents(on Father's Day!) if I could actually go. Thankfully, the next thing I knew I was in that red Mustang Saleen, next to the best dude ever, for a 24 hour road trip. After a few wrong turns and plenty of laughs, we were back home and packing to leave for Mexico that next morning. I had a few too many tequila shots and my dude became the komakozi, dancin' king. I'll never forget that sunset or the place where I found love.

Almost unbelievable!?

It's been 24hours and it still hasn't hit me.

The CT scan of my lungs showed no new signs of growth, meaning their finally, stable. The MRI of my brain showed that radiation WORKED(losing my hair paid off, after all!), but there is a tiiiny dot that will be watched; Which there was a spot just like it near the surgical area but that's now gone, so we're hoping the story will be the same. I'll go back at the end of May to have another gander at those little bastards. :) Dr. Galanis was impressed with the improvement of my walking(I've graduated PT and no longer limp on my left leg) and when I met with Nurse Matt we talked about if and when my hair will grow back. I was warned, before radiation that my hair follicles might be stunned and it could take up to three months for them to start again..If they even do. I'm not letting it bother me, because I already know it's going to take like three years for my hair to even be medium length. Boo, but oh well...I've got my wig! But, amongst all this information, sitting by my side were my stars; Ma, Dad, and my sister, C...Thank God. I had a few teary-eyed moments after the good news, but most of all it was more of a sign of relief moment when I heard all of the good news. I've got a smile on my face and am just so thankful that I finally get a break from bad news.

crazy. sexy. cancer. survivor. (exercises) - Kris Carr

What am I afraid of?

• Test Result Day... I always have anxiety about hearing bad news after getting my scans done. The majority of my results have been a big let down, leading to more surgeries than wanted; Which doesn't give a survivor very much hope on their Result Day.

• Dying... When you become a member of the Cancer Club, death is the first thing that comes to your mind and it's usually on your mind on a regular basis. I don't want to put my family and friends through that unimaginable, depressing, mess. I love life too much for it to be ripped away from me, especially at a young age. I want to live to a ripe-old age!
• Being alone... I don't like silence the way it is, but to be completely alone(no friends, significant other, or family) permanently is terrifying, because that would mean there wouldn't be any love in my life. 

• Not being able to have children(someday)... When the time comes and I'm 110% ready and able to, I would love to be a parent. But, I've heard horror stories about most women, cancer survivors aren't able to, because of the treatments they undergo(radiation, chemo, etc.), so I pray to JBEE(Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, Etc. - Thank you for creating that acronym, Kris Carr) that I'll be lucky enough to be a Mom.

• NEVER finding a cure for cancer... Mother Earth is incredible and I do believe there is a cure out there, just waiting to be found!
  
  
  "Our words have wings." - George Elliot
  
  
  How's my relationship with my Doctor?  
  
• Dr. Galanis is probably the best Oncologist I've met, yet that's pretty easy to be after meeting the physicians at the U of M. She's from Greece and travels to and from the U.S. many times throughout the year. I've never had a problem getting my 3-month appointments scheduled, unless I want to re-schedule, which I do understand is more complicated, because of her very busy life. Anyways, she is the most intelligent woman I've ever met and she has the kindest heart. I may have to wait an hour before getting into her office, but once she enters the room, it's always with open arms and a beautiful smile. She's never in a rush, even if I keep her for 45 minutes, answering my random questions, thoroughly. She's also referred me to one of the best thoracic(lung) surgeons at Mayo Clinic.
  What promises to myself will I keep?
  
• I will graduate college with some type of degree(further than an AA).
• I will learn at least three languages. 
• I will keep better communication with friends and family.
  How do I find stability in the midst of safety?
  
• Knowing that it is possible to be happy WITH cancer.
• My two nieces are a daily reminder of how precious life is.
  What is my Inner-Mother telling me?
  
• Eat better - Raw, Green, and Natural 
• Cut back on sugar - NO SODA
• Slowly, remove meat from my diet
• Absolutely, NO FAST FOOD! 
• Exercise once a day, no time limit - Just do it!(Thanks NIKE for the motivation? Ha.)  
• Take my vitamins, however many there is, twice a day(day/night)
  
  
  To keep in good health is a duty...
  otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha 
  
  
  10 Things I Want to Try 
  

1. Learn Spanish and French
2. Take kick-boxing lessons
3. Rock climb
4. Write a book
5. Get my motorcycle license
6. Paint the clouds
7. Base jump
8. Underwater cave explore
9. Visit a cave, on every vacation 
10. Learn how to drive a manual car
    
    What soul-fortifying things do I love?
    
    
    • Sweaters..especially old-lady lookin' ones
    • The sound of a Harley Davidson
    • Plush blankets
    • Dandelions
    • Time spent with my Sister
    • The little-big things my Ma does for me
    • Black olives(by the can!)and olives in my beer
    • Emeralds(if I could afford one)and Opal
    • Laughing at Chelsey Handler(through her books or T.V. Show)
    • The Sun Set 
    • Nice messages, for no reason
    • My pets(Jada, Pequito, Star, Harley, and Maggie - Even though she's really J's)
    • Writing
    • Discovery, HGTV, and Food Network
    • Summer Nights
    • July 4th and Christmas 
    • My VW, turbo kitty(car)
      What Am I Grateful For?
      
      • I'm grateful that I haven't had to drive in this winter's bad weather.
      • I'm grateful for a self, paid-off vehicle. 
      • I'm grateful my parents have the ability to take care of me while in the hospital and at home during recovery.
      • I'm grateful for the positivity my sister sends my way, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for all of the people I do and don't know that pray for me, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for my three Aunts, who are strong, self-sufficient women, that I admire, so very much so.
      • I'm grateful that I have two guardian angels, that are my Grams and Bupa.
      • I'm grateful that my G&G Peters are still alive and 'healthy' for the age that they're at(mid-80's).
      • I'm grateful for Sugarland, always cheering me up with their lyrics.
      • I'm grateful for alternative medicines.
      • I'm grateful for Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN
      • I'm grateful to still have my eyebrows.
      • I'm grateful for my past, because it taught me what not to do in my future.
      • I'm grateful that I can walk and that I have use of all of my limbs.
      • I'm grateful for the stars.
      • I'm grateful for every smile.
        I am not cancer.
        
      1. I am blessed.
      2. I am loved.
      3. I am common sense-smart.
      4. I am healthy. 
      5. I am fortunate.
      6. I am an open book.
      7. I am truthful.
      8. I am fun-loving.
      9. I am careful.
      10. I am ALIVE!
          
          What are some things I need to feel confident enough to open my heart? 
          
          • I need to learn how to love myself, again and be genuinely happy.
          • I need to accept and love my scars + baldness.
            What are 3 beautiful things about my body that any man/woman would be lucky to see and explore?
            
            1. My Stomach
            2. My feet(Off limits to touching, though..Ha!)
            3. Do fingernails count? ;)
               
               What does Spirituality mean to me?
               I was raised to believe in God, Jesus, The Bible, etc. I went to Bible school, Bible camp, I was Baptized Lutheran and Confirmed at a United Church of Christ. I learned a lot when I went to a Catholic Church Mass pretty religiously for 2+years. I've been called a 'mutt', Ha! So, I am very open-minded when it comes to religion. I want to learn about numerous types of religions(especially Buddhism), because it's History and I love that stuff. But, as far as Spirituality, I believe in the basic "Good things will come to good people" and of coarse, Karma. A special Rosary that was given to me as a gift, gives me a lot of comfort, lighting a candle and saying my own made-up prayer, and meditating outside with nature is my type of religion.
               
               
               "INcurable: Curable from the INside" - Kris Carr, Fellow Cancer Survivor

"It's like BAM! I'm me, again."

The D Family have come to my rescue once again and have given me the opportunity to have a wig. I met my new 'wig lady' on February 6th, 2011 and was given a Wigs: 101 - synthetic hair vs. real, hand sewn vs. machine, full matt vs. partial, etc. I tried on every color, length, and type of wig in her office. With my Ma and Mrs. D sitting behind me, I put on the first wig and looked into the mirror. I burst into tears...ME! I almost forgot what I looked like with hair. The mom's were crying, as well but I couldn't help but smile. I was really happy. After trying on more wigs and debating back and forth, I had to have my "BAM" wig. I was very fortunate and was able to wear it home! I'm still adjusting to it, but you can't even tell it's a wig, unless you're an inch away from my head, which is too close for anyone to be, anyways. Ha! A very special thank you to The D Family-Love you all!