Entertainment Systems

Kids, take a gander at this beautiful video game console, est.1985. One day, they will be extinct. That day will bring sadness to many gamers, such as myself. I had the original, waaayy before it was cool and still have to the present day. Three things come to my mind when people talk about what the 90's... T.M.N.T., Billy Ray Cyrus, and Nintendo. The only games I have are Mickey's ABC's(which was appropriate for one of my first games as a child), Yoshi, and of coarse, the legendary, Super Mario Bros. 3. Many hours, probably hundreds, have been spent playing those games after almost passing out from blowing these games to make them work. And you should know what I mean when I say, "blowing" in relation to Nintendo. Don't be a pervert. Throughout the years, I have continued to repetitively conquer Super Mario Bros. 3, quicken my thumb speed, on Yoshi and until, my friend broke my gun, I had an awesome shot playing Duck Hunt.  I refuse to give into the Super Nintendo and whatever else technology has advanced to over the years, in the gaming world.

Alright so, we're skipping ahead to the year 2006, when PlayStation 3 was released. The few games I have played on it have been, Grand Left Auto, Need for Speed, and Call of Duty. They proved to me to be too violent and the controller sticks too sensitive to movement for my thumbs. Nintendo's controller is so much easier; forward, back, up, down.

Now, here we are with the Xbox 360, just one year older than the PS3. You simply push the bigger circle for power and the smaller circle to open the disc drive. No fancy pressure sensitive on/off area, like the PS3 has on it's console. I have played only two games on the Xbox 360, like FIFA and Call of Duty. The controllers I've played with have been too big for my hands. Nintendo has what I consider, "one size fits all" controllers.









My point is, Nintendo is a classic and will forever remain as my favorite piece of technology.

Disclaimer: I am not claiming to be an expert on anything, so take my opinions lightly.

Hi, God..It's me, Tonya.

 

This is as close to heaven as you can get, without being an Angel. I believe, Heaven is high above the clouds and right below outer space, where you can watch your loved ones live on and grow old, until they are given their halo and wings. There isn't heartbreak or pain, no wars. Cancer doesn't exist, there. It's quiet and peacefully perfect.

As far as religion goes, I'm not educated enough to make an executive decision on what I do or don't believe in. I plan on learning about many faiths and so in the meantime, I'll stand neutral. No judgement on others for what they think is right..or wrong. I've been told having cancer is a test or is only given to ones who are strong enough. Fine, I'm good to take it on. I'd rather have it be me, than any other. Recently, I found myself sitting in the pew of my parent's church, asking myself, "What am I doing here? Why am I following these people's beliefs? Is God listening to me, right now?". I didn't pay much attention to the songs that they were standing up to sing or for that matter, the sermon. As I sat, starring at the altar, my conversation with God began. I started with, "Hi, God..It's me, Tonya. It's been awhile since we've talked, but I hope you understand why. I've been mad at you for putting my family though so much. I understand that everything happens for a reason, though. I'm trying not to hold a grudge and to let things go." Usually, when I'm in need of talking to a higher power, it's my Grams that I pray to. Not God. I feel like she's been watching over me more than, "The Big Guy".

lost & found.

Somewhere between all of my cancer hoopla and having to re-start my life, for the umpteenth time, I lost my happiness. The sparkle in my eye dimmed, my smile was forced, and the tingly feeling I had, dwindled. This was the lowest point in my life and I acknowledged it, knowing I had no other choice. If I wanted to beat cancer like I had been telling everyone, I needed to cut the bullshit and learn how to love myself and be OK, alone. I'm a firm believer that you can't fully love another, unless you love yourself, first. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and one of the biggest life lessons that I've learned, yet. I let go of all the bad thoughts and expectations I had and freed myself of negativity. Meditation played a huge part in this process. I had a mental list of all the great things/people in my life and gave appreciation to them. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what I wanted in life. Answer: Happiness. Good things come to those who wait, right? Well, for once my patience paid off. Gradually, I found myself, loved myself and was genuinely happy.

herbal pills & a new diet! oof.

Twice daily(morning/evening), I go to my old person Sun-Sat pill holder and pop approx. 18 herbal supplements and/or vitamins:
1 - Multivitamin
1 - L-Lysine(maintain healthy skin and lips)
1 - D-3(supports bone, colon, breast health)
1 - Zinc(immune system booster)
2 - Omega 3's(supports muscles, cardio, nervous system, and immune function)
3 - Spirulina(green supplement)
4 - Inflavonoid(ginger & turmeric for relief of minor pain and antioxidants)
2 - Selenium(helps protect tissues)
2 or 3, depending on mood - Tran-Q(Support for Tension Release and stress management)

Exciting, huh? Oh, the fun doesn't stop there, kids...

a RAW, GREEN, NATURAL diet.

My Ma has been my cook, cutter, and baker. She's made vegan meals, cookies to fit my needs, prepares fruits and veggies, and gets out the juicer and makes juice for my breakfasts or lunches. I haven't had much to do with anything that goes on in the kitchen and never really have...I'm slowly putting my foot in the door and helping my Ma with supper and my day meals, when she's not here to help me out. I can't help that she's such a good cook, baker, and Ma! Even my sister has entered the juicin' world and I soak up her great juicing skills when I'm able to, at her place. So, my rules for this new diet is NO meat(unless it's a Holiday or if it's lamb - I can't give up what I was raised on.), and NO soda or sugar(sugar creates cancer cells! Ew.). I'm not a drill sargent, but I try my hardest to keep myself in-line. It's a gradual process, but my body is already adjusted to the good stuff and will definitely let me know when I eat something too sweet or greasy. I've even been driven to stop drinking MILK(I used to drink it by the gallon), because it's too sweet on my tummy. I've tried almond and soy, but it just doesn't taste good/natural to me, so I settle for milk ONLY in my cereal. My inspiration and the whole reason why I started this new, diet journey is because of another fellow Cancer survivor, Kris Carr..She's a huuuge juicer advocate and has a whole book dedicated to recipes that fits my diet.
I'm hoping this lifestyle change is making a difference inside my body, and maybe even be able to see a difference on June 13th & 14th, 2011 a.k.a. TEST & RESULT DAYS! Let's keep those positive thoughts a-comin'!

Longest winter everrrr.

SIX months ago, my migraines(from the tumor) started and I was confined to my dark, bedroom. Who wants to go anyyywhere or do anyyything when you're brain is pounding!? Well, then the whole surgery, recovery, radiation situations have kept me locked up. Talk about a damper on my attitude! It's finally hit me, hard. I want what every other right-minded, Minnesotan wants...NO more snow, sun, warmth a.k.a. Spring. If I could see just the tiniest piece of green grass, it'd give me hope that the grass really is, greener on the other side. I really do hate complaining about the Winter, because I don't want to be one of those Minnesotans that act like they don't know what's comin' from Nov-April. I love to play outside in the snow! But, I haven't even been able to do that this winter and it would at least make time go a little faster. So, here I am, where I've been all blasted winter...Staring out the window, jealous of the birds.

If you've ever heard the song, "Lookin' For A Good Time" by Lady Antebellum...

...then you have a pretty good idea of what happened the night I met my best friend. It was at a college house party, as I walked down the stairs to find a guy leaning against the wall, like some type of cowboy Casanova. I watched him slowly look up at me, from underneath his white hat and smirk. My heart stopped. The next couple of months we grew into best friends, talking for hours on the phone and seeing each other whenever possible, because he was busy with classes. My most dreaded night came when it was time for him to go home for the summer. I didn't let myself get close and told myself I would not be crying in front of this dude, because who knows if he'd be even be coming back in the fall. He was standing there in his white hat and motorcycle jacket, looking once again, like some type of cowboy Casanova. We hugged goodbye and I went back to my friends, in tears. I kept that vision in my head of him for the next couple of weeks, until I was able to see him again. I met his family, the first time I went to his house, to spend the weekend. I got there on a Friday, by Sunday I was hustling to get my things in order to go to Mexico, but first we had to drive to Chicago to get my Passport! Oh wait, I had I had to ask my parents(on Father's Day!) if I could actually go. Thankfully, the next thing I knew I was in that red Mustang Saleen, next to the best dude ever, for a 24 hour road trip. After a few wrong turns and plenty of laughs, we were back home and packing to leave for Mexico that next morning. I had a few too many tequila shots and my dude became the komakozi, dancin' king. I'll never forget that sunset or the place where I found love.

Almost unbelievable!?

It's been 24hours and it still hasn't hit me.

The CT scan of my lungs showed no new signs of growth, meaning their finally, stable. The MRI of my brain showed that radiation WORKED(losing my hair paid off, after all!), but there is a tiiiny dot that will be watched; Which there was a spot just like it near the surgical area but that's now gone, so we're hoping the story will be the same. I'll go back at the end of May to have another gander at those little bastards. :) Dr. Galanis was impressed with the improvement of my walking(I've graduated PT and no longer limp on my left leg) and when I met with Nurse Matt we talked about if and when my hair will grow back. I was warned, before radiation that my hair follicles might be stunned and it could take up to three months for them to start again..If they even do. I'm not letting it bother me, because I already know it's going to take like three years for my hair to even be medium length. Boo, but oh well...I've got my wig! But, amongst all this information, sitting by my side were my stars; Ma, Dad, and my sister, C...Thank God. I had a few teary-eyed moments after the good news, but most of all it was more of a sign of relief moment when I heard all of the good news. I've got a smile on my face and am just so thankful that I finally get a break from bad news.

crazy. sexy. cancer. survivor. (exercises) - Kris Carr

What am I afraid of?

• Test Result Day... I always have anxiety about hearing bad news after getting my scans done. The majority of my results have been a big let down, leading to more surgeries than wanted; Which doesn't give a survivor very much hope on their Result Day.

• Dying... When you become a member of the Cancer Club, death is the first thing that comes to your mind and it's usually on your mind on a regular basis. I don't want to put my family and friends through that unimaginable, depressing, mess. I love life too much for it to be ripped away from me, especially at a young age. I want to live to a ripe-old age!
• Being alone... I don't like silence the way it is, but to be completely alone(no friends, significant other, or family) permanently is terrifying, because that would mean there wouldn't be any love in my life. 

• Not being able to have children(someday)... When the time comes and I'm 110% ready and able to, I would love to be a parent. But, I've heard horror stories about most women, cancer survivors aren't able to, because of the treatments they undergo(radiation, chemo, etc.), so I pray to JBEE(Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, Etc. - Thank you for creating that acronym, Kris Carr) that I'll be lucky enough to be a Mom.

• NEVER finding a cure for cancer... Mother Earth is incredible and I do believe there is a cure out there, just waiting to be found!
  
  
  "Our words have wings." - George Elliot
  
  
  How's my relationship with my Doctor?  
  
• Dr. Galanis is probably the best Oncologist I've met, yet that's pretty easy to be after meeting the physicians at the U of M. She's from Greece and travels to and from the U.S. many times throughout the year. I've never had a problem getting my 3-month appointments scheduled, unless I want to re-schedule, which I do understand is more complicated, because of her very busy life. Anyways, she is the most intelligent woman I've ever met and she has the kindest heart. I may have to wait an hour before getting into her office, but once she enters the room, it's always with open arms and a beautiful smile. She's never in a rush, even if I keep her for 45 minutes, answering my random questions, thoroughly. She's also referred me to one of the best thoracic(lung) surgeons at Mayo Clinic.
  What promises to myself will I keep?
  
• I will graduate college with some type of degree(further than an AA).
• I will learn at least three languages. 
• I will keep better communication with friends and family.
  How do I find stability in the midst of safety?
  
• Knowing that it is possible to be happy WITH cancer.
• My two nieces are a daily reminder of how precious life is.
  What is my Inner-Mother telling me?
  
• Eat better - Raw, Green, and Natural 
• Cut back on sugar - NO SODA
• Slowly, remove meat from my diet
• Absolutely, NO FAST FOOD! 
• Exercise once a day, no time limit - Just do it!(Thanks NIKE for the motivation? Ha.)  
• Take my vitamins, however many there is, twice a day(day/night)
  
  
  To keep in good health is a duty...
  otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha 
  
  
  10 Things I Want to Try 
  

1. Learn Spanish and French
2. Take kick-boxing lessons
3. Rock climb
4. Write a book
5. Get my motorcycle license
6. Paint the clouds
7. Base jump
8. Underwater cave explore
9. Visit a cave, on every vacation 
10. Learn how to drive a manual car
    
    What soul-fortifying things do I love?
    
    
    • Sweaters..especially old-lady lookin' ones
    • The sound of a Harley Davidson
    • Plush blankets
    • Dandelions
    • Time spent with my Sister
    • The little-big things my Ma does for me
    • Black olives(by the can!)and olives in my beer
    • Emeralds(if I could afford one)and Opal
    • Laughing at Chelsey Handler(through her books or T.V. Show)
    • The Sun Set 
    • Nice messages, for no reason
    • My pets(Jada, Pequito, Star, Harley, and Maggie - Even though she's really J's)
    • Writing
    • Discovery, HGTV, and Food Network
    • Summer Nights
    • July 4th and Christmas 
    • My VW, turbo kitty(car)
      What Am I Grateful For?
      
      • I'm grateful that I haven't had to drive in this winter's bad weather.
      • I'm grateful for a self, paid-off vehicle. 
      • I'm grateful my parents have the ability to take care of me while in the hospital and at home during recovery.
      • I'm grateful for the positivity my sister sends my way, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for all of the people I do and don't know that pray for me, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for my three Aunts, who are strong, self-sufficient women, that I admire, so very much so.
      • I'm grateful that I have two guardian angels, that are my Grams and Bupa.
      • I'm grateful that my G&G Peters are still alive and 'healthy' for the age that they're at(mid-80's).
      • I'm grateful for Sugarland, always cheering me up with their lyrics.
      • I'm grateful for alternative medicines.
      • I'm grateful for Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN
      • I'm grateful to still have my eyebrows.
      • I'm grateful for my past, because it taught me what not to do in my future.
      • I'm grateful that I can walk and that I have use of all of my limbs.
      • I'm grateful for the stars.
      • I'm grateful for every smile.
        I am not cancer.
        
      1. I am blessed.
      2. I am loved.
      3. I am common sense-smart.
      4. I am healthy. 
      5. I am fortunate.
      6. I am an open book.
      7. I am truthful.
      8. I am fun-loving.
      9. I am careful.
      10. I am ALIVE!
          
          What are some things I need to feel confident enough to open my heart? 
          
          • I need to learn how to love myself, again and be genuinely happy.
          • I need to accept and love my scars + baldness.
            What are 3 beautiful things about my body that any man/woman would be lucky to see and explore?
            
            1. My Stomach
            2. My feet(Off limits to touching, though..Ha!)
            3. Do fingernails count? ;)
               
               What does Spirituality mean to me?
               I was raised to believe in God, Jesus, The Bible, etc. I went to Bible school, Bible camp, I was Baptized Lutheran and Confirmed at a United Church of Christ. I learned a lot when I went to a Catholic Church Mass pretty religiously for 2+years. I've been called a 'mutt', Ha! So, I am very open-minded when it comes to religion. I want to learn about numerous types of religions(especially Buddhism), because it's History and I love that stuff. But, as far as Spirituality, I believe in the basic "Good things will come to good people" and of coarse, Karma. A special Rosary that was given to me as a gift, gives me a lot of comfort, lighting a candle and saying my own made-up prayer, and meditating outside with nature is my type of religion.
               
               
               "INcurable: Curable from the INside" - Kris Carr, Fellow Cancer Survivor

"It's like BAM! I'm me, again."

The D Family have come to my rescue once again and have given me the opportunity to have a wig. I met my new 'wig lady' on February 6th, 2011 and was given a Wigs: 101 - synthetic hair vs. real, hand sewn vs. machine, full matt vs. partial, etc. I tried on every color, length, and type of wig in her office. With my Ma and Mrs. D sitting behind me, I put on the first wig and looked into the mirror. I burst into tears...ME! I almost forgot what I looked like with hair. The mom's were crying, as well but I couldn't help but smile. I was really happy. After trying on more wigs and debating back and forth, I had to have my "BAM" wig. I was very fortunate and was able to wear it home! I'm still adjusting to it, but you can't even tell it's a wig, unless you're an inch away from my head, which is too close for anyone to be, anyways. Ha! A very special thank you to The D Family-Love you all!

HAIR

I apologize for my very lengthy, blog, Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." - Joan Kerr but, just so everyone knows, I began writing that three years ago, ironically while I was receiving radiation treatment to my right hip. I finally finished it while I was receiving radiation treatment to my brain, just two weeks ago. Strange how things work out, eh? In the past month, I've completed 15 treatments of radiation and in the process dealt with losing my hair from it. It's been a waiting game for quite some time, so I thought I'd be ready for it, but really...what girl is ever ready to lose her hair?! Literally and unintentionally. On my 12th day of radiation, I woke up just like any other morning and went to the bathroom to get into the shower, just like any other morning. I began brushing my hair, just like any other morning. But, it definitely wasn't like any other morning. As I put my brush through my hair, a large piece of hair came with it. Tears swelled in my eyes. I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror, saying, "Alright Tonya, this IS happening. Now, just move onto the next step, you can do this.". I got into the shower and was scared to even touch my hair, let alone shampoo it. But, I pushed that aside and continued. By the time I was done shampooing/conditioning I was standing there crying and staring down at the drain, covered with hair. My next thoughts were panicked, because I hadn't thought about what was next. Brushing my hair, now wet and tangled. Now, chunks of hair began to fall out as a brushed it. I was disgusted. It just wouldn't end! Half way through I had to stop. It was too much for me to emotionally handle. My heart started to race too fast for my own comfort. I didn't want to have an anxiety attack without anyone available to help calm me down. I immediately set the brush down, wiped my cheeks dry, grabbed my hat, and left the room. I ate breakfast like a zombie and then returned to my room and read the book, "Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor" by Kris Carr(which I'll talk more about, later) for the rest of the day. Talk about inspirational! As the next couple of days went on, more hair fell out. My pillow would be covered with pieces of hair each morning and finally I asked my big sister to shave it off. I just needed it done and over with. Thankfully, she did it in the most painless way possible and in a way only a Sister can. I didn't watch. I couldn't. She didn't let the hair fall everywhere, which would've made me breakdown. And she kept me distracted with corny "mom sayings" ...If you knew our Ma, you'd know.  Ha! When I looked in the mirror, I was relieved. My head is perfectly round! Taking a shower wasn't dreadful anymore(not having to worry about the hair that would be falling out during and after). When you don't have hair to deal with...There's really nothing to do in the shower, anymore(besides shaving). Now, I understand how guys can take 10 minute showers so easily. I couldn't be more thankful for what my Sister did for me. It was a bonding experience that we haven't had in yearssss. I feel more myself, but the anxiety of what others will think when they first initially see my baldness, is bugging me, at the moment. Family isn't the problem but it is more of what my friends - both male and female will think. Of coarse.

How does my family do it?

That's my question. Spending hours in waiting/family rooms and obviously endless-feeling days/nights in the hospital just..waiting. Driving hours back and forth for doctor appointments or where ever I am and need to be. All while managing their jobs, school, and kids. Just with a blink of an eye, they drop what they're doing and come to my rescue. I know I've taken my family for granted, but never doubted their love. It's amazing what they've all done for me or put up with, with my all of my health issues. All the while, still able to put a smile on. It takes a lot for parents to watch their child get poked with needles and hooked up to a bunch of wires. I know if I were in their shoes, I would be an emotional wreck.