crazy. sexy. cancer. survivor. (exercises) - Kris Carr

What am I afraid of?

• Test Result Day... I always have anxiety about hearing bad news after getting my scans done. The majority of my results have been a big let down, leading to more surgeries than wanted; Which doesn't give a survivor very much hope on their Result Day.

• Dying... When you become a member of the Cancer Club, death is the first thing that comes to your mind and it's usually on your mind on a regular basis. I don't want to put my family and friends through that unimaginable, depressing, mess. I love life too much for it to be ripped away from me, especially at a young age. I want to live to a ripe-old age!
• Being alone... I don't like silence the way it is, but to be completely alone(no friends, significant other, or family) permanently is terrifying, because that would mean there wouldn't be any love in my life. 

• Not being able to have children(someday)... When the time comes and I'm 110% ready and able to, I would love to be a parent. But, I've heard horror stories about most women, cancer survivors aren't able to, because of the treatments they undergo(radiation, chemo, etc.), so I pray to JBEE(Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, Etc. - Thank you for creating that acronym, Kris Carr) that I'll be lucky enough to be a Mom.

• NEVER finding a cure for cancer... Mother Earth is incredible and I do believe there is a cure out there, just waiting to be found!
  
  
  "Our words have wings." - George Elliot
  
  
  How's my relationship with my Doctor?  
  
• Dr. Galanis is probably the best Oncologist I've met, yet that's pretty easy to be after meeting the physicians at the U of M. She's from Greece and travels to and from the U.S. many times throughout the year. I've never had a problem getting my 3-month appointments scheduled, unless I want to re-schedule, which I do understand is more complicated, because of her very busy life. Anyways, she is the most intelligent woman I've ever met and she has the kindest heart. I may have to wait an hour before getting into her office, but once she enters the room, it's always with open arms and a beautiful smile. She's never in a rush, even if I keep her for 45 minutes, answering my random questions, thoroughly. She's also referred me to one of the best thoracic(lung) surgeons at Mayo Clinic.
  What promises to myself will I keep?
  
• I will graduate college with some type of degree(further than an AA).
• I will learn at least three languages. 
• I will keep better communication with friends and family.
  How do I find stability in the midst of safety?
  
• Knowing that it is possible to be happy WITH cancer.
• My two nieces are a daily reminder of how precious life is.
  What is my Inner-Mother telling me?
  
• Eat better - Raw, Green, and Natural 
• Cut back on sugar - NO SODA
• Slowly, remove meat from my diet
• Absolutely, NO FAST FOOD! 
• Exercise once a day, no time limit - Just do it!(Thanks NIKE for the motivation? Ha.)  
• Take my vitamins, however many there is, twice a day(day/night)
  
  
  To keep in good health is a duty...
  otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha 
  
  
  10 Things I Want to Try 
  

1. Learn Spanish and French
2. Take kick-boxing lessons
3. Rock climb
4. Write a book
5. Get my motorcycle license
6. Paint the clouds
7. Base jump
8. Underwater cave explore
9. Visit a cave, on every vacation 
10. Learn how to drive a manual car
    
    What soul-fortifying things do I love?
    
    
    • Sweaters..especially old-lady lookin' ones
    • The sound of a Harley Davidson
    • Plush blankets
    • Dandelions
    • Time spent with my Sister
    • The little-big things my Ma does for me
    • Black olives(by the can!)and olives in my beer
    • Emeralds(if I could afford one)and Opal
    • Laughing at Chelsey Handler(through her books or T.V. Show)
    • The Sun Set 
    • Nice messages, for no reason
    • My pets(Jada, Pequito, Star, Harley, and Maggie - Even though she's really J's)
    • Writing
    • Discovery, HGTV, and Food Network
    • Summer Nights
    • July 4th and Christmas 
    • My VW, turbo kitty(car)
      What Am I Grateful For?
      
      • I'm grateful that I haven't had to drive in this winter's bad weather.
      • I'm grateful for a self, paid-off vehicle. 
      • I'm grateful my parents have the ability to take care of me while in the hospital and at home during recovery.
      • I'm grateful for the positivity my sister sends my way, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for all of the people I do and don't know that pray for me, everyday.
      • I'm grateful for my three Aunts, who are strong, self-sufficient women, that I admire, so very much so.
      • I'm grateful that I have two guardian angels, that are my Grams and Bupa.
      • I'm grateful that my G&G Peters are still alive and 'healthy' for the age that they're at(mid-80's).
      • I'm grateful for Sugarland, always cheering me up with their lyrics.
      • I'm grateful for alternative medicines.
      • I'm grateful for Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN
      • I'm grateful to still have my eyebrows.
      • I'm grateful for my past, because it taught me what not to do in my future.
      • I'm grateful that I can walk and that I have use of all of my limbs.
      • I'm grateful for the stars.
      • I'm grateful for every smile.
        I am not cancer.
        
      1. I am blessed.
      2. I am loved.
      3. I am common sense-smart.
      4. I am healthy. 
      5. I am fortunate.
      6. I am an open book.
      7. I am truthful.
      8. I am fun-loving.
      9. I am careful.
      10. I am ALIVE!
          
          What are some things I need to feel confident enough to open my heart? 
          
          • I need to learn how to love myself, again and be genuinely happy.
          • I need to accept and love my scars + baldness.
            What are 3 beautiful things about my body that any man/woman would be lucky to see and explore?
            
            1. My Stomach
            2. My feet(Off limits to touching, though..Ha!)
            3. Do fingernails count? ;)
               
               What does Spirituality mean to me?
               I was raised to believe in God, Jesus, The Bible, etc. I went to Bible school, Bible camp, I was Baptized Lutheran and Confirmed at a United Church of Christ. I learned a lot when I went to a Catholic Church Mass pretty religiously for 2+years. I've been called a 'mutt', Ha! So, I am very open-minded when it comes to religion. I want to learn about numerous types of religions(especially Buddhism), because it's History and I love that stuff. But, as far as Spirituality, I believe in the basic "Good things will come to good people" and of coarse, Karma. A special Rosary that was given to me as a gift, gives me a lot of comfort, lighting a candle and saying my own made-up prayer, and meditating outside with nature is my type of religion.
               
               
               "INcurable: Curable from the INside" - Kris Carr, Fellow Cancer Survivor

"It's like BAM! I'm me, again."

The D Family have come to my rescue once again and have given me the opportunity to have a wig. I met my new 'wig lady' on February 6th, 2011 and was given a Wigs: 101 - synthetic hair vs. real, hand sewn vs. machine, full matt vs. partial, etc. I tried on every color, length, and type of wig in her office. With my Ma and Mrs. D sitting behind me, I put on the first wig and looked into the mirror. I burst into tears...ME! I almost forgot what I looked like with hair. The mom's were crying, as well but I couldn't help but smile. I was really happy. After trying on more wigs and debating back and forth, I had to have my "BAM" wig. I was very fortunate and was able to wear it home! I'm still adjusting to it, but you can't even tell it's a wig, unless you're an inch away from my head, which is too close for anyone to be, anyways. Ha! A very special thank you to The D Family-Love you all!

HAIR

I apologize for my very lengthy, blog, Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." - Joan Kerr but, just so everyone knows, I began writing that three years ago, ironically while I was receiving radiation treatment to my right hip. I finally finished it while I was receiving radiation treatment to my brain, just two weeks ago. Strange how things work out, eh? In the past month, I've completed 15 treatments of radiation and in the process dealt with losing my hair from it. It's been a waiting game for quite some time, so I thought I'd be ready for it, but really...what girl is ever ready to lose her hair?! Literally and unintentionally. On my 12th day of radiation, I woke up just like any other morning and went to the bathroom to get into the shower, just like any other morning. I began brushing my hair, just like any other morning. But, it definitely wasn't like any other morning. As I put my brush through my hair, a large piece of hair came with it. Tears swelled in my eyes. I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror, saying, "Alright Tonya, this IS happening. Now, just move onto the next step, you can do this.". I got into the shower and was scared to even touch my hair, let alone shampoo it. But, I pushed that aside and continued. By the time I was done shampooing/conditioning I was standing there crying and staring down at the drain, covered with hair. My next thoughts were panicked, because I hadn't thought about what was next. Brushing my hair, now wet and tangled. Now, chunks of hair began to fall out as a brushed it. I was disgusted. It just wouldn't end! Half way through I had to stop. It was too much for me to emotionally handle. My heart started to race too fast for my own comfort. I didn't want to have an anxiety attack without anyone available to help calm me down. I immediately set the brush down, wiped my cheeks dry, grabbed my hat, and left the room. I ate breakfast like a zombie and then returned to my room and read the book, "Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor" by Kris Carr(which I'll talk more about, later) for the rest of the day. Talk about inspirational! As the next couple of days went on, more hair fell out. My pillow would be covered with pieces of hair each morning and finally I asked my big sister to shave it off. I just needed it done and over with. Thankfully, she did it in the most painless way possible and in a way only a Sister can. I didn't watch. I couldn't. She didn't let the hair fall everywhere, which would've made me breakdown. And she kept me distracted with corny "mom sayings" ...If you knew our Ma, you'd know.  Ha! When I looked in the mirror, I was relieved. My head is perfectly round! Taking a shower wasn't dreadful anymore(not having to worry about the hair that would be falling out during and after). When you don't have hair to deal with...There's really nothing to do in the shower, anymore(besides shaving). Now, I understand how guys can take 10 minute showers so easily. I couldn't be more thankful for what my Sister did for me. It was a bonding experience that we haven't had in yearssss. I feel more myself, but the anxiety of what others will think when they first initially see my baldness, is bugging me, at the moment. Family isn't the problem but it is more of what my friends - both male and female will think. Of coarse.

How does my family do it?

That's my question. Spending hours in waiting/family rooms and obviously endless-feeling days/nights in the hospital just..waiting. Driving hours back and forth for doctor appointments or where ever I am and need to be. All while managing their jobs, school, and kids. Just with a blink of an eye, they drop what they're doing and come to my rescue. I know I've taken my family for granted, but never doubted their love. It's amazing what they've all done for me or put up with, with my all of my health issues. All the while, still able to put a smile on. It takes a lot for parents to watch their child get poked with needles and hooked up to a bunch of wires. I know if I were in their shoes, I would be an emotional wreck.